Pursuing Veritas

In the past, I’ve ranked movies and Pixar films (not once, but twice) to varying degrees of response. But as a culture, we’re always ranking things. Watch ESPN, listen to your favorite podcast, scroll through a few TikToks, and you’ll almost certainly encounter someone ranking something. So this summer, I’m casting my own pearls before swine and offering some of my own totally subjective rankings. Enjoy—and let me know where I’m wrong in the comments!

Jacob’s Fast Food Rankings

“What counts as fast food?” is a startlingly divisive question on the interwebs. So some qualification notes: for me, fast food chains are meal-centered restaurants typically featuring a drive thru that have locations in multiple states. These places might have the occasional location without a drive through, but the default location will have a drive thru window. This definition thereby excludes local chains, fast casual Mexican (Chipotle, Qdoba, Moe’s), pizza (Dominos, Pizza Hut, Little Caesars, Papa Johns), and coffee shops (Starbucks, Dunkin’, Tim Hortons).

Without further ado, here are my rankings, from worst to best.

I Will Never Eat Here Again

Church’s Chicken, Rallys/Checkers, Long John Silver’s

I’ve eaten here and never again. I can’t believe that health departments allow these places to sell food fit for human consumption. Relatedly: how is Long John Silver’s still open? Are there people who actually eat that living among us?

Wait, These Exist?

Taco Johns, Del Taco, Jersey Mike’s, El Pollo Loco, Elevation Burger, Big Boy

These are places I’ve apparently driven past but never actually eaten at. Maybe they’re okay, but I don’t have enough data to say much more than, “yes, this place exists.”

Um, Not Great

Hardees/Carl’s Jr, Krispy Kreme, KFC, Jack in the Box, White Castle

Look, we’ve all made questionable life choices from time to time. Are these great places to eat? No. But is the food edible. Um, maybe. But if you were starving and only had this to eat, would you eat it? Again, maybe.

Mall Food Court Options

Sbarro, Auntie Anne’s Pretzels, Pret-a-Manger, Cinnabon, Mrs. Field’s, Baskin-Robbins

You can occasionally find drive through options for these places, which is why they’re on this list. But these are barley fast food and get treated accordingly.

Passable

Burger King, Wendy’s, Zaxby’s, A&W, Dairy Queen, Quizno’s, Steak and Shake

These places serve food that is edible and not always going to give you food poisoning. Will I choose to eat here? Maybe once every few years when options are limited. But

Think They’re Better Than They Are

Panda Express, Subway, Arby’s, Shake Shack, Panera, Boston Market

These places serve what should be considered solid fast food, but for whatever reason, they think more highly of themselves (looking at you, Panda) or have jacked prices beyond what normal fast food should cost (*cough* Subway *cough*).

Standard Fare

Jimmy Johns, Lion’s Choice, Popeyes, McDonald’s, Freddy’s, Bojangles, Sonic, Culver’s

Acceptable food at often not-terrible-prices. This is what fast food is meant to be: nothing serious, but acceptable fare that allows you to grab a quick bite or feed your ravenous children without the hassle of the sit-down restaurant.

Worth a Detour in My Book

Taco Bell, Raisin’ Canes, Whataburger, In-and-Out

These are my favorites. Other people might hate them, but I don’t care. If these are a couple miles off the highway, I’ll still make the drive, because doggone it, I want my chalupa.

S-Tier

Cook Out & Chick-fil-a

The best of the best. If they’re an option, I’m stopping 9 times out of 10. I once drove through the seedy side of Atlanta at night to get to a Chick-fil-a. There’s that time I drove an extra two hours to swing by the closest Cook Out. Are they still fast-food restaurants? Absolutely, don’t pretend otherwise. But these are the absolute best.